Quarantine Diary, Week Two

Saturday, March 21, Day 8:

A lot of laundry today. A little bike riding. A quick grocery run that will, I hope, get us through the week. The shelter in place order took effect at 5:00 pm.

I spend a lot of time wondering what the world will look like on the other side of all this. Different, obviously, but in ways I can’t imagine.

I think there’s been a complete failure of leadership the last 60 or 90 days. Carolyn told me two months ago all this was coming. The doctors she works with saw this pandemic in January. It is either a knowing lie, or unforgivable incompetence to now claim no one could have predicted this.

My guess is that as we begin to emerge from this, trends and timelines will vary wildly from state to state. States like California and Ohio have been far more proactive than Texas and Florida. There can’t be a national outcome when there isn’t a national response.

Sunday, March 22, Day 9:

It’s been 11 days since I last shaved. Josh says I can go a couple more days. Carolyn would prefer I shaved yesterday.

Between the dearth of personal grooming, the abundance of white stubble on my chin, and the ice cream-heavy diet of the last few days, I could possibly one day make a living as a department store Santa if my career goes sideways.

It snowed today. The weather is doing its part to enforce the Shelter in Place order.

***

Back to work tomorrow. So many things up in the air. Agendas that had been set two months ago do not seem particularly relevant. But there is still a job to do. I work in communications, and there is definitely important information to be communicated. Sometimes multiple times per day. I shall continue doing what’s asked of me. Every industry everywhere is touched by this, and a big part of what I do is keeping people in one particular industry on top of things.

Monday, March 23, Day 10:

The ice cream-heavy diet hasn’t been as bad as I’d imagined. I actually weighed three pounds less this morning than when this all started. Chalk that up to atrophy, rather than healthy living. Atrophy, of course, is the same diet that took me from 205 pounds to 185 during Josh and Lia’s first year of life. 12 months of not sleeping really peels the pounds away.

To my credit, I’ve kept most of that weight off since then. I tipped the scales at 187.5 this morning. I could probably drop another half pound by shaving this rat’s ass of stubble of my face, and boy would that make the wife happy.

Eventually, it will come off. But not today.

Rough day today. Carolyn had to teach a class online, which did not go well. Servers were overloaded, and additional hours were required. I had a conference call in the morning, and more editing in the afternoon. The kids suffered from want of attention. Josh, especially. Being the lone boy means feeling left out more often than his siblings. I took a couple breaks in the afternoon to play some games with him. I wish I could have done more.

I’ve left the house three times in the last two days, which is three times more than would be ideal. One of those trips was unavoidable. The others were a product of impatience and poor planning. I need to do better. I wouldn’t easily forgive myself if I brought this damned virus into our house. And now that the President is very clearly hinting that people should get back to work soon, it’s that much more important to do my part in quarantining for as long as that’s allowed.

Of course, I’ve got a wife with low white cell counts and three young kids, one with asthma. I’ll be coming off quarantine on my clock. Not the President’s.

(All of which makes the three trips in the last 48 hours even more inexcusable.)

Tuesday, March 24, Day 11:

It was quiet today. The kids spent a lot of time on their Kindles. They periodically took turns on the computer, doing school work their teachers have dedicatedly set up for them.

It was another gray, dreary day. We played a couple hands of Uno after dinner.

I haven’t heard many updates about local cases of COVID the last few days. I’m sure there are some. I’m more concerned about the national trend line. That, and the idiocy of wanting to send people back to work and school with the virus so rapidly spreading. And the blasé nature of some pundits saying that grandparents should be willing to die to keep our economy on track. It’s a completely false choice. Going back to work isn’t going to save the economy when tens of millions of more people become sick. The economy won’t be saved when our health care system collapses under stress because we couldn’t just stay the f–k home for an additional three or six weeks.

These people don’t imagine it would ever be them. It’s my kids whose grandparents they’re willing to sacrifice. Well, my kids have already lost a grandfather way too early. They get to keep the other three around for a while yet. So says me.

Wednesday, March 25, Day 12:

My mood is very cyclical when thinking about this disease. Sometimes, most of the time, I’m comfortable. We’re doing what we need to (that’s the family “we,” not a national “we.”) We’re being careful.

But sometimes, I think of Nora’s lungs, and I wonder how strong they really are. No matter how far she goes in this life, she’s still a 28-week preemie, and those lungs… She’s perfect in almost every way. But the lungs. She gets frustrated that she can’t run as fast, or bike as far as her friends, or her younger brother. She sometimes resents carrying her asthma inhaler everywhere. Even when she’s on the ice, when she’s at her absolute happiest, it’s there by rinkside, in case she needs it.

To her, it’s an inconvenience, and occasional embarrassment. To me, it’s a reminder of how she came into this world weighing barely two pounds.

***

Speaking of how Nora came into the world 12 weeks early, somehow the conversation at dinner turned to her twin brother. This happens every so often. It’s something Carolyn and I don’t want to discourage. But talking about Ben sometimes isn’t something I’m equipped for. It’s probably what has me in my particular mood tonight.

Anyway, the dinner time consensus is Nora thinks it’d be great to have someone in the house who understood what it’s like to be a fifth grader *in the Year 2020*, and Josh thinks another boy would be good for when the sisters are playing hospital or something. I can’t disagree.

Thursday, March 26, Day 13:

I’m not afraid of getting COVID-19.

I’m a little afraid of getting it now, while the hospitals are inundated. Now, while the doctors and nurses are nearing the (considerable) limits of their ability and stamina. Now, while respirators and ventilators are too few, and patients too many.

***

A co-worker had a baby just last week. I spent 78 days with Nora in NICU, I watched Ben die, and I still can’t imagine how scared I would be to have been in a hospital now, with a newborn infant. Fortunately, they’re all back home now.

***

It was just another day here. Doing my work the best that circumstances allow. The kids are doing their best to get through the days too. We’re all doing our best.

Josh asked me to sit in his room with him tonight until he fell asleep. He’s worried about something, but he can’t or won’t say what. He used to do this every night for at least a year after Carolyn’s seizure/cancer diagnosis/surgery. It wasn’t until he learned to confidently read on his own that he stopped asking and would just read himself to sleep. But tonight, he asked again.

I don’t know how much he knows about Coronavirus. Some, I’m sure. We try not to have the news on when the kids are nearby, and he’d be uninterested even if we didn’t. But he’s a smart kid. They’re all smart kids. And I’m sure he’s talked with Nora about it. And Nora definitely knows enough that it worries her, so whatever she may have shared now apparently worries him too.

***

Today would’ve been Opening Day for Major League Baseball. At least this plague has spared me the sight of Mookie Betts in a Dodgers uniform, leading me to the sight of my son as a Dodgers fan. For now, and the immediate, if not foreseeable future, the Red Sox remain the only team for whom Mookie has played a Major League Game. That’s… something, I guess.

Friday, March 27, Day 14:

Takeout pizza Friday has been replaced with homemade pizza Friday, and the trend might continue long after the quarantine is lifted. Honestly, the crust is a little singed , but tell me this doesn’t look at least a little like something you’d get out of a wood-fired brick oven in New Haven:

I’ve been better the last few days about not leaving the house. We ordered next week’s groceries online. Unfortunately, so has everyone else. The next available pickup isn’t until Tuesday, and we won’t make it that far without milk. So I did have to make a quick grocery run. But overall, we’re doing our part.

What we haven’t done well is keep the kids engaged throughout the day. I think the school district is going to start moving more toward online learning for the next several weeks, if not the remainder of the year, so we’ll have to get better prepared for that. We just received an automated call from the district earlier about distribution of online technology for families that need it. This, just a couple days after we were asked to participate in a survey about our online capabilities at home.

I’m glad they’re taking these steps. I don’t think they’d be taking it if they believed we’d all be back at school in just another couple of weeks.

So I guess what I’m saying is, buckle up friends. After two weeks of lockdown, this party’s just getting started.

Quarantine Diary

Saturday, March 14, Day 1:

I slept well last night: a change from the previous several nights.

I think it’s because the worry had lifted. Once the Governor announced schools were closing, once I spoke with management at work about working from home, once my family and I actually entered our little bunker, all the what-ifs sort of vanished, no longer keeping me awake for hours after the lights went out.

And so here we are. Last night was pretty close to a typical Friday. We watched our weekly family movie (Josh’s turn to pick; he went with Rogue One). We had pizza for dinner. I made popcorn.

Today is a little different. There’s no figure skating. No baseball lessons. No activities of any sort requiring us to shuttle kids around town. We’re working on putting together a schedule of what will eventually be the Daily Routine. The kids have been well-informed this will not be a two week vacation of Mario and TV.

But for now, it’s just Saturday. And there has been a lot of Mario and TV. And laundry. And pancakes.

 

****

We got our first confirmed local cases of COVID. Three people, all from one family. Reason to believe they contracted it abroad. Either in Florida or overseas. Either way, it’s here now.

 

Sunday, March 15, Day 2:

I was wrong about the local cases of COVID. Two people, not three. Different families. And one case has no immediate connection to anyone who’s been abroad.

What I remain correct about it that it’s here. It probably has been for a while. The second patient, in a story in the paper, detailed the last week to 10 days leading up to her symptoms, test, and diagnosis. She sits on the Park District Board. Interactions with hundreds of people. How many degrees of separation between her and me? Between her and Carolyn? Three? It’s a small town.

***

Here at the house, it was a laundry-heavy day. Some picking up. It’s still the weekend; the totality of what we’re in for hasn’t fully set in. Tomorrow’s the first real day. We’ve drafted a schedule for the kids. Some reading time, picking up time, play time, schoolwork time, etc. It’s a work in progress. Everything is a work in progress. We’ll see how it goes.

Monday, March 16, Day 3:

It wasn’t too bad.

We didn’t stick to the schedule as well as we might have, but we kept the kids busy with things other than tv. I got a reasonable amount of work done, with only a moderate amount of distraction. It helps that I have a very definite agenda for what I need to do for work these next two weeks. There are weeks when that isn’t the case.

Carolyn conducted a couple science lessons, and watched an educational program about how viruses like this Novel Coronavirus work. Unfortunately, the program had the effect of frightening Josh, so I’m not sure how many more such home lessons we’ll have.

In other news, there are now visible lines where my wrists meet my hands, marking the abrupt change in skin texture that is the result of washing my hands hundreds of times in the last week. Lotion can do only so much when it inevitably gets washed off 30 minutes after application.

 

Tuesday, March 17, Day 4:

Illinois voted today. Some of it did, anyway. Turnout understandably appears it will be down from four years ago. (Interestingly, it appears to be up in Florida.)

I voted last week. My preferred candidate will not win the nomination. In fact, she’s no longer even running, but I voted for her anyway.

It was also St. Patrick’s Day, and we had our traditional meal of Taco Tuesday.

My work has shut its doors through the end of the month. I imagine it will go well into April. So I continue working from home.

Several major upcoming events for work are also canceled/postponed. The economic fallout has barely begun, and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about my long-term employment.

***

We got our bikes out in the afternoon and I rode around Washington Park with Nora and Josh.

Wednesday, March 18, Day 5:

Same shit.

Thursday, March 19, Day 6:

The first day of spring. It’s a rainy, gray mess. The back yard is a mud bog. Terrible day. TV did a lot of kid-sitting today; Carolyn and I both had conference calls with work at different times.

We had our first local COVID-19 death today. I don’t know details, but when they announced the first cases the other day, one of the patients was a 71-year old woman who’d been admitted to ICU.

I’m closer to my 71st birthday than to my 25th. Sigh.

Friday, March 20, Day 7:

One week down. Who knows how many weeks, or even months, to go.

The governor issued a “shelter in place” order today. It goes into effect Saturday at 5 pm. The kids’ school announced it would remain closed at least through April 14. No similar announcement from work, but it’s hard to imagine the office reopening any time soon.

Nora had a brief breakdown earlier. Maybe that’s too strong a word, but she came down from bed, crying. She’s worried about her grandparents. She misses school. She’s upset that her birthday might be forgotten, or at least that it’ll happen while everyone is still on quarantine. She’ll be fine. She is fine. But she’s a thinker, and sometimes when the lights go out, being alone with your thoughts is not a great place to be.

Ben Chapman and the Revenge of the End Credits

Ben Chapman was a slightly above-average Major League hitter for parts of 15 seasons. He was, for a time, teammates with Babe Ruth, and a member of the 1932 World Champion Yankees. For his career, he batted .302, with 90 home runs. His game seems to have been based more on speed: he led the American League in triples once, and stolen bases a handful of times.

I know those things because I looked them up.

Ben Chapman was a racist, who, as manager of the Phillies, mercilessly heckled Jackie Robinson during Robinson’s rookie year in 1947. He was fired in mid-1948 and never managed again. Up until 10 minutes ago, that was everything I knew about him.

Chapman was a minor character in the movie 42. His racist taunts play a role in advancing the narrative of Robinson’s struggles as he adjusted to Major League Baseball (and as it adjusted to him).  The film is entirely unsympathetic to Chapman. At the movie’s end, narrative cards tell us what eventually happened to many of the major and minor characters. Robinson won a World Series in 1955 and was inducted into Baseball’s Hall of Fame; Chapman was fired in 1948 and never managed again. The audience is made to feel that both characters received their just rewards.

I watched 42 last night with my children. They know who Jackie Robinson was from school, having learned about him (among others) during African-American History Month in February. Some of the slower parts bored them, but they still followed it. The baseball scenes appealed to them, and Nora, whose sense of right and wrong is very well developed, latched on tightly to the social justice aspects of the story. I asked her what she thought of the movie.

“That manager was a jerk,” she said. She lowered her face to conceal a small grin as she recounted the scene where Robinson’s teammate Eddie Stanky confronted Chapman. “I liked it when that other player called him a piece of shit.” Her reticence in repeating the offending word, even in quoting the movie, amused me.

“Yes,” I said, smiling. “That was a good part.”

***

Chapman of course had no way of knowing that a movie on Robinson would ever be made. No way of knowing that the only thing people might know about him 26 years after his death was that he was kind of an asshole to a legendary baseball player and American icon. In that light, it’s a little unfair to make a villain of someone unable to defend himself. But we all will die some day. We all will have obituaries written. And some of us may even be portrayed in a book or a movie about someone we know, even if we know that person only in passing. It’d be nice if more of us chose not to be the asshole of someone else’s story.

 

False Prophets

I was raised Lutheran. I went to church nearly every Sunday growing up. Sang in the Youth choir. Participated in Youth Group. It was almost without exception, a positive experience.

It’s an experience my kids do not share. We maybe attend once a month at a non-denominational Unitarian Church. Even so, I still nominally consider myself Christian. There is a great deal about the faith that appeals to me. I sometimes question the existence of Jesus Christ the Son of God, but I remain pretty sure there was a Nazarene preacher named Yeshua who spoke some awesome and revolutionary truths about how we should treat each other and the type of people we should aspire to be.

I feel extremely confident saying that guy would be appalled at the people who pretend to speak on his behalf 20 centuries later.

https://twitter.com/jerryfalwelljr/status/1080155906720104452?s=21

If anyone ever asked me why my faith had waned, or why I no longer attended a Christian church, I could scarcely do better than direct that person to this interview. Amid all the grotesqueries therein, this one in particular stood out:

A poor person never gave anyone a job. A poor person never gave anybody charity, not of any real volume. It’s just common sense to me.

Among the many memories I have from my regular church attendance growing up, a handful of Pastor D’s sermons made an impression and remain with me. One in particular, given around the time Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggart were having their very un-Christlike behavior become known, was a fiery denunciation of what the Bible calls false prophets.

I have no idea what ever became of Pastor D. He left our church in my 11th grade year. I have no idea how the years may have changed him, or what he thinks today of the younger Falwell.

But I know what the guy I heard preach so often would think. That guy would hold him with the same contempt he had for those other false prophets some 30 years ago. Which probably goes a long way in explaining why I do too.

One year in

One year ago today, I learned a new word. I wrote about it at the time.

 

***

December 4, 2017:

I learned a couple things today.

First, I learned a new word, which I’ll get back to in a minute.

Second, I learned it is possible to see your wife receive a diagnosis of Grade Two brain cancer and feel an overwhelming and immediate sense of relief.

The new word: Oligodendroglioma. A type of brain cancer. Like all cancers and tumors, it can be graded according to its malignancy. Grade One is benign; Grade Four is the most aggressive, and usually deadly.

Today, we got diagnosed with a Grade Two: malignant, but not aggressive. Slow-growing. Treatable. Comparatively favorable long term prognosis. We received this diagnosis perhaps an hour after receiving a different diagnosis, that of a Grade Three Astrocytoma. The sense of relief from the improved diagnosis was nearly overwhelming. The next year, the next two, three, and five years of my life look very different with a Grade Two diagnosis than they did for the brief window we had a Grade 3.

To be clear: the next two, three, and five years look incredibly difficult and challenging. We are looking at brain surgery as our starting point. Perhaps before the end of this week. Definitely before the end of next. We are looking at chemotherapy. We are looking at clinical trials, follow up appointments. Scans and different kinds of scans, and then other different kinds of scans after that. Every aspect of our lives will be impacted. The glue that binds this family, the engine that keeps us running (choose your metaphor, both are apt), is sick, and it will be some time before she is well.

***

Brief aside, regarding my personal vocabulary: Astrocytoma is a word I am already familiar with. Astrocytoma, or Glioblastoma, as it’s called when it progresses to Grade Four, killed my father-in-law not 18 months ago. Our family’s prior experience with brain cancer illuminates every reality we are currently up against with an unmistakable clarity.

***

Everything began on Saturday, late in the afternoon. My wife, complaining of a headache, mixed together birthday cakes for our two younger children, who were celebrating their sixth birthday. She put the cakes in the oven, sat down in a chair, and the next thing she remembers is being in the back of an ambulance.

My recollection is not so spotty. I was in the basement when I heard my three children yelling. Nothing new or suspicious about that. I finished loading the washer and hit start. Coming back up the steps, I ran into my son, who an hour earlier had been enjoying his birthday party, telling me something was wrong with Mom. His twin sister and their older (age 8-½) sister were at the top of the steps, yelling the same. I picked up my pace, came into the living room, and found her reclined in her chair, in full arrest. Her entire body convulsing. Foam forming at the corners of her mouth.

I know that’s a disturbing visual, and I apologize. But this is a disturbing story, and I don’t know the next chapter, let alone the ending.

It is now two days later. Two nights in the hospital for her. Two solo nights handling children’s dinner and bedtime for me. Countless examples of friends and neighbors eager to help in any way they can: Can we take the children for a night? Can we bring dinner? Anything you need, please let us know. Tonight’s dinner was provided by one friend. Tomorrow’s dinner was just moments ago delivered by our neighbor. They are all good people, and their desire to assist us is touching. But it’s hard for me to grasp things on that day-to-day plane. I don’t know what to ask for, I don’t know what we need. I feel I have to get into this process before I can begin to know what I need. I need to learn what I can let go of, what I can hand off, and what I need to step up and handle more of.

It will be that way for all of us. The next year or more of our lives stretches out before us like a vast, uncharted sea. I have spoken to my children about the need for all of us to understand that when she comes home, that does not mean life returns to normal. It will be difficult in more ways than I can imagine. But we will see our way through it, no matter where and how it ends.

My wife comes home from the hospital tonight. Her mother will bring her here. I imagine we will stay up late discussing what the next steps, the first steps, on this journey will be.  

***

Now it’s a year later. She is currently on what we hope will be her final cycle of chemotherapy. Return visits to NIH in Maryland, where she had brain surgery eight days after that was written, have generally borne good news. MRIs have shown no visible tumor tissue, which is the best possible result. But “cancer free” is not part of our lexicon. Nor is “Remission.” Those terms don’t apply to primary brain gliomas. Gliomas grow back. Always.

We are fortunate that Grade Two Oligodendroglioma grows slowly. We were told Carolyn’s tumor may have been growing for a decade. Our hope, our goal, is that medical science outpaces slow growth.

A year ago, I believed that 2018 would be remembered as “our cancer year.” And to a large extent, it will. But the battle isn’t over. We will fight this every day for the rest of our lives together.

Four years

I don’t often get to pick up any of my kids at the end of the day.

Carolyn and I have worked out our schedule: she works early, from 7 to 3, and I do the more traditional 8:30 to 5. I drop the kids off in the morning; she picks them up in the afternoon. It’s pretty unremarkable.

Since Josh and Lia began going to daycare in February, I have picked them up in the afternoon exactly twice. Both times, Josh has greeted my arrival with his biggest smile, abandoned whatever activity he was in the midst of, and come running full-bore into me. He does not slow down those last three feet to lessen the impact. He meets me at top speed, with a full-body tackle/hug and laughter. It’s intoxicating.

April and Vilma, the teachers in Josh and Lia’s room, find his response to my arrival endlessly charming. “Awwww, there’s Daddy’s boy,” they say.

Carolyn and I are largely in agreement that Josh is, in fact, something of a Momma’s boy. But in that moment, or others like it, he feels like Daddy’s.

Josh

Today is the culmination of a week in which I spent much time thinking about my other boy.

Ben is never too far from my thoughts. But every year, the approach to May 10th, the approach to Mother’s Day, keeps him even more in the forefront. When Josh ran up to greet me at school Tuesday, I wrapped him up in my arms and said “how’s my boy?” and a voice in my head sternly reminded me, “you have two boys, you know.” And I felt guilty for enjoying that moment so much.

When Josh and Lia are playing so well together, or when Nora is telling us how much she loves Lia, I feel loss. Loss for Nora not having her twin. Loss for Josh not having his big brother.

When a quiet moment consumes either Carolyn or me without warning, I get angry. Angry at a situation that neither of us will ever have any control over, at a situation that both of us will have to confront for the rest of our lives.

It’s been four years since that morning, when Carolyn’s cell phone woke us up at 1:50 in the morning. Four years since I ran a few red lights on my way to the hospital. Four years since Dr. Paget-Brown sat next to us and told us to hold our son. 3:00 in the morning on Mother’s Day.

Ben

So much happens in four years. Olympics, Presidential Elections, leap years. But in four years, the only thing that has changed about May 10 is the day of the week it falls on. In two years, it will fall on a Sunday again and coincide with Mother’s Day. I have no idea whether that will make the pain of the anniversary more acute, or if it will be easier to simply pack it all into one day instead of an entire week. It will also fall on a Sunday in 2020, 2026, 2037, 2043, 2048, and 2054. I don’t anticipate still being around when it falls on a Sunday in 2065, but who knows?

Four years. 1,461 days that I’ve gotten to wonder what he’d be like today. 1,461 times I’ve gone to bed and said a quick prayer for my boy. 1,461 nights since the last time I sat in NICU Pod B and read him a story, 1,461 nights since I leaned in close to his isolette and sang in a soft whisper for him.

I will frequently sing the same song to Josh at his bedtime. Nora has a song of her own, Lia has one too. But Josh shares a song with Ben. At first, I thought Josh should have his own song too. But now I prefer it this way. It’s something Ben gave to Josh. Or maybe it’s something he gave to me, and I’m just sharing it with Josh. From one boy to another.

Home

I started last night to write a post about Nora’s birthday party on Saturday. But there are other things on mind at the moment. One thing, actually.

I was not born in Boston. I was not raised there. But for 10-plus years, Boston and its inner suburbs was home, and they were the best years of my life. I met too many friends, I had too many great experiences, for it to be otherwise. Above all, I met my wife there. This life I have in 2013 — this family, these children, all of it — is a direct result of my decision in the spring of 1998 to pack up everything I owned into a Penske van, hook my car up to the back, and make the trek from idyllic little Lemoyne, PA to Boston.

I was not unfamiliar with the city on my arrival. For just about every summer of my childhood, elementary school on up, summer included a trip to Boston. The genesis of these trips was always the Red Sox. Dad’s life as a sports fan begins and ends with those Sox. He was bit by the bug in the pennant-winning summer of 1946, and his sons stood no chance but to be bitten by that same bug. With so many annual trips under my belt, it seemed only natural in early 1998, as I was applying for admission to graduate school, that my eyes turned to Boston University, which offered a strong program in broadcasting. My admission being secured that spring, the next decision was an easy one, and in late August, I was off.

I was fortunate in two ways when I moved to Boston. First, while I was moving to an entirely new city, I was at least moving to a city where I had friends. Pat, Pete, and Pat, acquaintances from my days with Proteen Records* lived in Boston, and through them I was able to join a group of extended friends that I eventually came to regard as some of the best I’ve ever known. Secondly, as an incoming member of a new class of students, I was instantly immersed with a collection of friends who were as new to the city as I was. It was the best of both worlds, and very necessary to my well-being, as it became quickly apparent that my many previous visits to Boston left me with approximately zero understanding of the city beyond its many tourist attractions.

(*Proteen Records and its history will have to wait for another post.)

I’m not going to even attempt to wrap up 10 years and four months of my life in a blog post. I know this is going to wind up a bit of a disjointed mess when I click publish. But today’s tragedy leaves me feeling ill. I’m not even sure what I’m hoping to accomplish by writing about it, or about Boston. There’s no point in trying to make sense of it all when there is no sense to be made. Whether this turns out to be an act of international terrorism, or domestic terrorism, or the work of a singular and severely fucked up human being will alter nothing from where I sit.

To put it simply, I love that city. I love its people, its  little neighborhoods, its maze of one-way streets, the anarchy of its grid, the dilapidated nature of its mass transit system, its fundamentally quirky mix of Puritan aesthetics (no booze on Sundays!) and liberal progressive ideology. As I type, Carolyn reminds me of the time we had lunch at Atlantic Fish Market, which is practically today’s Ground Zero.

As I type, no fewer than 134 people are in various stages of critical care. A two-year old boy is in ICU with head trauma. An eight-year old child is dead. As I type, families grieve.

Last August, on a visit back to Boston, Carolyn and I stood together on the beach at Winthrop, talking about the future. It was the end of a lovely week visiting all of our lovely friends, and one thing became startlingly clear to both of us. We felt like we were home.

Someday, I hope to call it home again.